It’s been nearly 4 years since I got my first daddy credentials, and I’m certainly no expert, but time to time I’ll make a ‘daddy decision’ which ends with Red alternately rolling her eyes, shaking her head, or simply wondering “what the F were you thinking?” That last option is saved for special occasions…. And Costco trips.
When Little Miss was born, daddy struggled a bit with her clothing options. I was not the primary care-giver, and I can’t say I had much experience with dressing little girls before. My initial attempts at dressing LM ranged from passable to absurd. It took me about 3 months to stop putting her clothes on backwards. “The little buttons go in the BACK? Ohhhhhh. The buttons on my shirts are universally in the front… “ Who puts buttons down the back of a shirt? I mean c’mon, how are you supposed to reach those?? …. and while we’re on the topic, buttons on children’s clothing are not designed for my giant man hands. I don’t even really have giant man hands, but the onesie’s with 38 buttons and straps are like the 7th level of Dante’s hell at 3am when you’re trying to keep a rolling infant from kicking her feet into her own poopy diaper. Little Miss Junior has benefitted from my early clothing miscues, the majority of her clothes are on the right way, I think. Little Miss had to endure my ‘practice’ sessions. Thankfully she was too little to know, or care. At least I hope so.
Sometimes a daddy decision is about scale, or volume. We have a Costco account. We don’t shop there frequently, we prefer to go once every few months and stock up on a specific list of items that we buy in bulk… soap, shampoo, toilet paper, baby wipes etc… you get the picture. So one Saturday morning I set off to Costco with Little Miss in tow, and leave Red and LMJ at home. I had a list, I had a child, and I had a great big Costco shopping cart to fill with stuff. For the most part this expedition was a smashing success – razor blades, check… bar soap, check… laundry detergent, check… Now I submit to you that Costco is a confusing place, and one can easily lose track of ‘scale’ in this land of 70 inch TV’s and 40lb jars of cheese puffs. When I came to ‘dish soap refills’ on my list I knew the right aisle and location amidst the cleaning products to find this much needed household supply. I was less certain on quantity. You see, like many Costco products, they leave out palettes of items boxed together. My daddy brain instantly decides, 1 palette of dish soap refills. Done and done. I drag this behemoth into our cart and head home. In case you’re wondering, “How much soap is a palette of dish soap refills”. This is is a single size soap refill:
I bought a case of oh, maybe 12 of those, who’s counting really?? Red took one look at me lugging that up the stairs into our place and instantly gave me the “WTF??” eyes. Then she proceeded to alert me that our last single bottle refill lasted approximately 6 months. Don’t let it ever be said that you wanted for dish soap when you were with me baby. No sir. My lady will have dish soap in stock until the day she dies…. That’s just the kind of man I am. You’re welcome.
I’m not sure if these kind of judgement calls are isolated to ‘daddies’. A few years back when I was still a ‘father to be’, Red asked me if I could find some portable speakers for her Ipod. Now we’re old enough that Ipods were still fairly new at the time, and smaller MP3 based speakers were fairly expensive in their first iterations. Nowadays you can walk into any BestBuy and have 20 different choices under $100 for small portable speakers… not so 10 years ago… you either needed an Apple specific brand since Apple makes nothing compatible with anything by design… or you needed a speaker with an auxiliary input to plug your ipod in… So of course I scanned the available options and decided to buy this:
A giant red behemoth of an 80s style boombox with awesome base, and yes, an auxiliary input to plug in another device, like an Ipod. Hey it’s portable… and if you wanna stroll the avenue with Radio Raheem you’ll fit right in. You can imagine the conversation when I tried to explain to Red that this was the portable speakers I had purchased for her. I believe my argument centered around cost vs value at the time…. Ie, for the money that little speakers cost, you could get this awesome giant boombox – what a bargain?!? Perhaps I have just have a problem with economies of scale. What’s that? You need some dish soap? No I’m sorry, we’re hoarding the last stores of global dish soap for the coming zombie apocalypse. By last count we’re good through 2053.