Take your hands off my candy!

Note: If you’re not into the f-word, I would skip this post.

So I am a member of our neighborhood Nextdoor website (look it up and sign up if you haven’t already) and this past week someone posted on there asking us – her neighbors – to please consider NOT giving candy on Halloween, and instead give fruit or playdough or pencils, etc.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  That is EXACTLY what I whispered at my iPad when I read her post.  Really?  You wanted to “encourage” us to not give out candy on Halloween?  Really?

What the fuck is wrong with parents these days?  I read about a great new parenting method called Calm the Fuck Down (CTFD), and it really, REALLY needs to be implemented for so many people I interact with regularly.  Here’s the link to that: http://www.thedaddycomplex.com/post/55268573331/latest-parenting-trend-the-ctfd-method

Now, I could care less if that woman (or anyone) gives my kid something other than candy when she goes up to their door on Halloween.  In fact, I’m sure my daughter would be THRILLED to get playdough.  But, she can’t just take it upon herself to hand out non-candy items can she?  And there’s the rub.  She HAS to tell me how I should behave, and that really freaking pisses me off.  No, lady, I’m not going to give out apples.  I’m handing out candy.  In fact, I usually give each kid TWO pieces of bite size candy every year, but this year I might have to go and buy full size candy bars just because I’m so pissed off.

I mean honestly what is wrong with everyone?  Did they all forget that they got shitloads of candy every Halloween growing up and it often wasn’t even WRAPPED?  I remember people handing out caramel apples that they had made themselves and old ladies giving us candy out of their candy bowls.  And, guess what?  We all made it to adulthood.  Some of us (ahem) went to college AND got master’s degrees.  Holy shit.  I can’t believe that I managed to make it to the ripe old age of 34 when I had so many Halloween nights where I ate 3 pounds of sugar in one sitting.

Just to reiterate, I don’t care what you hand out at your house.  I don’t care if you have your lights off and don’t participate.  I don’t care if your religion tells you that celebrating Halloween is a sin.  Whatever, dudes.  Do what you like.  Where we have a problem is when YOU try to tell ME how I should live MY life.  For some reason, when some people become parents they think that gives them free reign to tell everyone else what to do.  This is not the case.  And, in this particular situation, I get the feeling that my neighbor doesn’t want her child to have/eat a shit ton of candy.  Well, guess what neighbor?  Instead of telling the rest of us to NOT give out candy, it’s YOUR responsibility to either (a) not let your kid go trick or treating or (b) set some ground rules for your own family without infringing on the lives of others.  Maybe your kid only gets to go to ten houses?  Maybe your kid gets to eat 5 pieces of candy on Halloween night and has to donate the rest?  Maybe you keep the candy up in your pantry and they only get one piece every Saturday for the next year?  I don’t fucking know.  I don’t have to know.  That’s not my kid and it’s not my problem.  You figure it out.  Be a parent to your own child.  Set up whatever rules you want to.  But don’t fucking tell me not to hand out candy.  Fuck that.  I LOVE Halloween.  It is possibly my favorite holiday of the year and I will RAIN DOWN CANDY OFF MY FUCKING ROOF IF I WANT TO.

If this lady keeps it up I swear to God I’m going to hire a plane to circle overhead our neighborhood on Christmas Eve with a giant banner that says “Santa isn’t real.”  Do not try to come between me and my right to enjoy Halloween.  My kids are only going to be young once and I want them to have piles and piles of candy on my kitchen floor, just as I remember having as a child.  And that’s none of your damn business because it’s my house and my kids.  Calm the fuck down.

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